Couples…

…and other things that make me hiss with barely-suppressed rage…

Because lists are always fun – unless they’re the never-ending “to-do” kind – here’s a quick ranty post for you. The five things that make me rage and the five things I will never, never understand…

1) Couples.

I’m allowed to say this, ’cause I’m not bitter and single! Just bitter!
And, as Dylan Moran puts it, a couple is half as intelligent as its most intelligent member. (Worryingly true, I bet you’ll find…)

You know the kind of couple I mean… the really coupley kind. They’re all walking slowly, stopping to make out in public, then continuing to walk in the same direction… I don’t get it. I kind of want to say to them, “Congratulations, you have found someone to put up with you. But calm down, it probably won’t last.”

What? What?! I wouldn’t actually say it. I just think it, and judge them very hard as I walk by. And for the record, the Boy happens to agree with me, so it’s rare that we’ll indulge in any kind of affection publicly.*
Train stations and airports are allowed though.

*I can’t be held responsible for how affectionate I am when intoxicated though. More on that later, perhaps.

And don’t even get me started on Facebook PDA’s. We have all friends who post sickeningly gushy statuses about their apparently-wonderful other halves… it’s just showing off, really. Well done, you’re happy. I’m not saying you don’t deserve to be, I’m saying shut up about it. Go and be happy instead of telling everyone about it.

2) People who walk slowly…
…no, wait, come back.
I mean in towns and cities, when I’m trying to get somewhere. If you’re a pensioner, or a child, then fine, you can dawdle along. But if you’re just ambling along the pavement, without a care in the world, while I’m trapped behind you and I need to be somewhere, then hurry the hell up. Please.
Parks and green spaces and open countryside, by all means, dander along. In fact, anyone who’s walking with a purpose through some woodland probably needs to be kept an eye on…

3) Arrogance.

If the Boy was reading this, he’d be chuckling heartily. A mutual friend of ours actually remarked to me, about a year ago “God, he’s so arrogant.” And yes, he can come across as a touch condescending and “I’m so superior with my cut-glass cheekbones and deep posh voice”. But it’s not genuine arrogance. It’s really not, and in any case, I like boys who come across as cocky. It’s endearing, it’s challenging, it’s fun to try and cut down with your own top-notch banter.

What’s not endearing is the kind of arrogance where you know that the person thinks they’re better than you, and they really do love the sound of their own voice.

And also when people verbalise that judgemental kind of arrogance that I suspect we’re all guilty of (I know I am). You know when you’re ambling along the street, or people-watching, and you catch yourself eyeing someone darkly and thinking “God, please don’t come near me.”

Yes, it’s not nice to even think that, but to verbalise it is worse, and makes people think you’re an arse. Don’t do it. Be judgemental, by all means, but be quiet.

4) Narrow-mindedness, or intolerance.

Oh, the irony.

No, what I’m getting at is the Daily Mail kind of attitude. You know, massive generalisations about anyone whose choices or lifestyle deviate slightly from what they think is the “ideal”. Be that in terms of sexuality, religion, general beliefs, goals and ambitions, whatever. We don’t all want the marriage/kids/picket-fence happy ending.  You can’t change people, you can’t make them share your opinions if they …just don’t.

5) Bad spelling and grammar.

What was that about tolerance and what-not…?

Seriously though. Unless you’re dyslexic, or blind, or… OK, unless there is a very good reason, then if you’re over fourteen, you should know the difference between “their”, “there” and “they’re”. Or “you’re” and “your”.

Rant over… (kind of)

And now for the five things I will never understand:

(I’m going to do this in descending order, mainly because I feel the top one is worthy of the build-up. It’s a major mystery, I can assure you.)

5) Asymmetrical hairstyles.

I don’t get them. Who, when deciding on a new style, thinks “how I really want to look is like my hairdresser had a stroke halfway through the job”?

(That’s harsh. I apologise. Really though?)

4)  Cat people.

How can anyone think a cat is better than a dog? Come on.  Sure, kittens are adorable, but they don’t beat puppies.

3) The popularity of Coldplay.

Would a melody kill them? (Probably.)
Chris Martin can’t actually sing. I know fine rightly I’m no Maria Callas, but he really can’t.

2) Fake tan.

No one looks good in orange. No one. It never looks like a real tan, I can assure you.
And why the hatred for being pale? There’s nothing wrong with being a fetching shade of pale blue.

1) The male preoccupation with breasts.

ThereIsaidit.

I don’t get it. I really don’t. And believe me when I tell you I have had far too many long conversations on this topic. 

I don’t know if it’s a what-you-don’t-have-being-desirable thing, or if it really is just a but-they’re-fun-to-play-with thing. The first – and most common – response I got from any guy I talked to about this (never let it be said I don’t do my research) was “They’re just awesome.”

(Then there’d be a silence, during which I’d wait expectantly for further clarification of the matter. The male in question would then turn to me, attempt to look less wistful and say, “Sorry, that’s really all there is to it.”) 

They’re inconvenient, is what they are. And I say that as a 34B. If they were any bigger, I would be mightily unimpressed.

I’m going to leave you with this – it’s a dirty, catchy little number, and it will get stuck in your head. Just don’t sing it around small children:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fnfzEu2Ndo

3 thoughts on “Couples…

  1. Bahahaha, I do like a bit of couple bashing, totally agree about the gushing status updates, not only that but gushing phone calls about their significant other! Why I've simply lost count of the number of times a certain friend of mine has twirled her hair whilst on the phone and said 'he's so dreamy…' in reference to her boyfriend, a man renowned for his modesty.

    I have also decided people who go deliberately slowly in tight corridors on the London underground, or who take up the whole escalator just so they can sit on their luggage or talk to their friend on the same step thus preventing you from getting to your train in time, are on a par in terms of awfulness with builders who pee in peoples bathtubs/ sinks, travelling con-artists or the man/woman/thing who invented the concept of the 'fun run' (running IS NEVER FUN).

    By the way, I know we all have our pet hates, but personally I can't see how anybody can like patronising computer voices, they are so hate-deservingly awful. Satellite navigation systems insisting the best way back to your house across town is to go via Belgium and indignantly disagreeing with every turn you make contrary to its suggested route; the information announcer's voice at train stations telling you the next 20 trains have been cancelled and you will be taking a replacement bus service home; card reading machines that tell you aloud that your payment has not been accepted, thus awkwardly reminding you that you have no money, even the answer phone voice… all so hair-depletingly, fist-clenchingly, vein-throbbingly, irritating. Also laptops that shut down half way through your work (cue me visibly shaking with rage and frothing at the mouth), but i'm guessing there is nobody alive who hasn't at one point in time considered throwing their laptop out of the window when that happens to them. Oh and James Corden, just the thought that hessian bag full of sleaze, desperation, plagiarism, ignominy and misery attaining national notoriety for his 'comedy' fills me with rage. *Rant over… for now*

    While I agree many of those things are indeed mysterious (particularly coldplay)… breasts? seriously?… I think the issue here is they are things you wouldn't want to have yourself, but they are just things you want to… play with… on others… they are just awesome, quit trying to overcomplicate this! It is a matter of biological principle for men that boobs are good.

    Like

  2. If i could 'like' this post, I would. That is a post that needs writing! Oh, Also Nicholas Cage… and Bear Grylls… and Peter Andre… and Simon Cowell… Hell, there are so many “celebrities” deserving of hate.

    Like

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