Unpopular opinions

I have no time for contrarians, as you know – disliking popular things just to be different tends to be the hallmark of the incurably insufferable – but when the below tweet did the rounds a few days ago, it got thousands of replies, many of which were hilarious. To absolutely no-one’s surprise, it turns out I have a quite a number of opinions that cause people to look at me funny and ask if I’m damaged in some way.

Here goes.

Fruit Pastille ice lollies are far, far superior to Twister ice lollies. But really the only ice cream you should get from a van is a 99 with a flake.

Doughnuts aren’t all that. Ditto muffins (the American ones, not the toastable ones), cupcakes, and macarons. Give me a fat slab of coffee and walnut cake or give me death.

The conceit of Breaking Bad is ludicrously implausible and this really puts me off watching it.

How much women supposedly gossip about each other has nothing to do with the achievement of equality. Men who are otherwise clever, thoughtful and well-read have tried to argue that feminism will only “win” when women stop bitching about each other – and to them I say: do you agree with All The Other Men? Do you support All The Other Men no matter what they do or say? You don’t? Oh, look at that. I for one am shocked. Feminism will “win” when as a society, we stop telling women what it is they need to do to “win”, and back off and let them crack on with their lives.

Game of Thrones can’t possibly be as good as you all make it out to be.

Fearne Cotton is supremely irritating.

Gravy isn’t that good. You need a splash of it to bring your beef/turkey/lamb to life – not literally, of course – but drenching your carrots, roast spuds and parsnips in it is just silly.

Dressage is a legitimate sport that requires huge amounts of training and dedication. Next person to say “it’s just horses dancing” in my presence gets the longest possible explanation of what a half-pass is that I can come up with .

Most podcasts are average at best. There’s probably about 5 exceptions to this.

Girls is highly over-rated. While I’m sure Lena Dunham is a fantastic writer, wise beyond her years, a breath of fresh air in terms of female entertainers, yada yada yada, I really struggle to give a shit about her work. Middle-class white girls being self-involved?

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Women who have a lot of male friends, or even mostly male friends, are not horrible or broken in some way. I hate this idea that if you’re a girl who occasionally gives off a “one-of-the-guys” vibe, you should be viewed with suspicion. Do we give men who have mostly female friends shit for it? No, we find it cool and endearing and charming. What matters is that we all have a friend or two we can turn to in good times, bad times and shitfaced-on-gin times, not what sex or gender those friends are.

The words “there’s this really good TED talk” bore me to desperate, angry tears.

As does any mention of cycling.

Parka jackets will never, ever be stylish or flattering. I’m all for practical clothing, sure, but there’s a line, and on the other side of that line is Liam Gallagher. Or a joyless elderly teaching assistant who’s been saddled with playground duty. Or the uptight mum doing the school-run who gives you the death-stare when you have the temerity to walk within three feet of her precious little darlings. Who are beating seven bells out of each other with their book bags/PE kits/scooters.

There is a correct way to pronounce “scone”, and IT RHYMES WITH “GONE”.

We’d be happier as a species if we stopped making monogamy the ideal. As medical progress marches on, life expectancy increases, and I don’t think it’s particularly reasonable to expect one person to fulfil all your needs, forever and ever, amen.

Fruitcake is lovely. So are Bounty bars. Cheesecake isn’t. Profiteroles aren’t.

Rosé is a crime against wine. Red or white, not a sickly compromise between the two. Though if you can point me in the direction of a rosé that’s dry, refreshing and with plenty of flavour, I’m all ears.

“Tik Tok” by Kesha is a stone-cold banger.

Cath Kidston products are mostly hideous.

Yankee Candles are entirely hideous. The branch of Warehouse in Churchill Square has been replaced by a Yankee Candle shop and I am furious. 

There’s probably more, to be honest, but we’re at the 800-word mark now and it’s Brighton Pride today so I must be off.

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